Stars: Swinging, Spanking, and Pleasingly Pinched

NYC real-estate insiders say that “the incredible amount [Alex Rodriguez] is offering” on a four-bedroom luxury apartment for sale in 15 Central may be waaay high and outside. But with Madonna’s condo only two blocks away, he may be swinging for a homerun. [NYP]

Last week the cast and crew of the CW11’s hit show, Gossip Girl descended upon a home in Prospect Park South to shoot as scene in which Serena and Blair are having a fight—in the Hamptons! Yep, and believe it or not, this Queens home makes a pretty convincing Hampton home, especially when the director was overheard barking, “Spank her again!” [FlatbushVegan]

The ultra-proper River House on West 87th at one time rejected actress Diane Keaton’s application for one of their luxury NYC apartments because her relationship with Woody Allen was considered unseemly. In the visage of Renee Zellweger, however, River House must be as pleased to find a neighbor as pinched as they are puckered, since they have just approved her purchase of a third luxury apartment in the building. [yippi.com]

It’s hard to say if Hollywood partners in Goth, Sweeny Todd’s director Tim Burton and co-star Helena Bonham Carter, decided to sell their two, combinable NYC apartments in 1 Fifth Avenue when they heard Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell’s next novel would be called One Fifth Avenue. But it’s even harder to picture Carter in flouncy pink dresses and Burton being emotionally unavailable. [NYP]

Maybe Rodney Dangerfield "can't get no respect", but his spacious NYC luxury can get no buyer after two price cuts and over 10 months on the market. [NYMag]

If You Lived In New York City, You'd Be Thinner By Now!

Sure, New York City apartments are expensive, but so’s your fuel-ravenous, insurance-sucking, malfunction-prone auto and the hours you waste stuck in traffic finger-miming threats of bustin’ caps and throat-slitting to your fellow commuters. And if you moved to an NYC apartment or condo, believe me, you’d get used to the convenience, safety, reduced expense of living “car-lite” right quick.

You know what else is expensive about not living in a NYC apartment? The membership fees to that gym you don’t go to because you just can’t justify the gas expense and rebuilding the living room wall that firefighters will have to knock down so the forklift can take you to the hospital. And then there’s the forklift driver’s tip, of course. Heck, even an NYC luxury apartment looks like a bargain if this is what living in a state shaded red on the CDC’s obesity map costs in health, dignity, and cash.

The Center for Disease Control [CDC] reports that 66% of all Americans overweight or obese, while only 56% of New Yorkers are. And no, that average wasn’t taken during fashion week when New York City’s population “swells” with models so thin there’s no medical reason why they should be alive. So then what are the magical dietetic properties of living in the Big Apple? New Yorkers walk the walk.

According to Walkscore.com—a website that rates cities, neighborhoods, and even individual street addresses on a scale of 1-100 based on how easily routine destinations can be reached on foot—New York City is the second most “walkable” city in the US after San Francisco (but we’re coming for you, SF!). Without having to rely on cars—indeed, most Gothamites don’t even bother to own one—the car-lite or car-free lifestyle of NYC apartment dwellers is not only healthier and more cost effective, WalkScore also highlights how walking benefits our environment, our social capital, and strengthens local businesses and economy.

Keep in mind though, if you are moving into an NYC apartment for dietetic purposes, not all boroughs’ butts are deflated equally. According to Sam Roberts of the New York Times, Manhattan apartment residents consume the same amount of yummy food as other boroughs' denziens, but with only 42.3% overweight or obese, they sacrifice far fewer square feet of real estate to excess pudge:

“Over all, more than 300,000 New Yorkers get to work on foot. But Manhattanites tend to walk more than people who live and work in the rest of the city. They’re more likely to walk to the bus or subway. Walk up and down stairs to stations. Even walk all the way to work. They’re less obese than New Yorkers in other boroughs, regardless of race or income.”

Also keep in mind, though, that there's a lot of variance within each NYC neighborhood, so if you want to find out how walkable a Brooklyn apartment for rent in a neighborhood you know little about is, just enter the exact address and voila! Not only will you get a Walk Score, you'll get a list of the businesses, services, schools, parks, etc., within walking distance. And you don't even have to get up off the couch to do it.



How Walkable Is Your Neighborhood? [NYT]

RED HOOK UPDATE: You CAN get there from here!

The main reason why real estate bargains and lost tribes of headhunters—and possibly dinosaurs, Sasquatches, and giant anacondas—still abound in Red Hook, is that the Brooklyn neighborhood is so under-served by public transportation that its fragile Urban/Industrial Chic ecosystem has been allowed to flourish untouched by the hands of gentrifiers for far longer than almost any other NYC neighborhood.

But then the Swedes landed on that pristine, 19th Century dry docked peninsula with their big box pestilence against which the indigenous Red Hookers had neither the immune systems nor the well-organized community groups to defend against. Exactly one month ago today, a 346,000 square foot Ikea opened it’s doors on their Brooklyn neighborhood’s waterfront.

A major objection to the new Ikea’s location was that the lack of public transportation to Red Hook would cause the narrow, cobblestone streets to be flooded with the private vehicles of Manhattan, Queens, and other Brooklyn-area residents who—unfurling maps, their rear view blocked by walls of corrugated cardboard bearing strange umlauted markings—would crush-under-tire and smog-out the indigenous peoples—and their property values and whatever dinosaurs may still roam free among them—into extinction.

Ikea attempted to assuage many of the traffic concerns by enhancing the Brooklyn neighborhood’s meager public transportation options with free shuttle buses to and from the two near-ish-by subway stations and even the major Court Street/Borough Hall station between Downtown Brooklyn and Brooklyn Heights. Ikea has also sponsored a free, direct Water Taxi route to and from downtown Manhattan and Red Hook.

So did the Swedes succeed? Perhaps a Swede-tad better than they had intended...

It seems that Red Hook residents just love what Ikea has done with their daily commutes! Apparently, on any given free Ikea shuttle or Water Taxi, you are as likely to to be seated next to a hitching Red Hooker as you are someone looking to get their big box shop on. Dorothy Shields, a tenant advocate for Red Hook public housing tells New York Magazine:

“The working people have been making good use of the water taxi and the buses. [...] It’s made it so much easier to get to work.”

For now, Ikea is publicly cool with the freeloading locals:

[Bork, bork, bork!] “We don’t care whether they are or are not coming to the store. If they want to ride to Ikea Brooklyn and go to the Red Hook neighborhood, they’re welcome to do so.”

So how will this unforeseen boost in mass transit accessibility affect property values in Red Hook? Will there be more or less turnover in rental apartments, condos, co-ops, and brownstones? Thor only knows...

But if you find yourself worrying that a generous gesture by a new neighbor is being unfairly taken advantage of, don't be so hasty. By now, there is no excuse for underestimating the ever-adaptive, ever-opportunistic nature of the intrepid New Yorker.

The Secret-hood of the Traveling Pants-less

If you’re a New Yorker, you've probably already penciled-in "ride the subway pants-less during rush hour" on your To Do list—somewhere between impersonating a Best Buy employee in slow motion and actually obeying the voice in your head—ever since you finally moved into your perfect downtown apartment and your best thinking can be accomplished without the constant interruption of calls from your genius real estate broker.

Don’t forget, New York City is a big, big town, so if you’re having these thoughts, chances are you’re not alone. And—especially if you are new to NYC—what better way to meet your like-minded Gothamites than by employing a no pants buddy system as you zip un-zipped from Manhattan to Brooklyn with only your skivvies on?

But if sitting on a Queens-bound subway with nothing but your undies between you and, well, maybe the spot where a bottom with even less coverage than yours just sat isn't your thing, then your friendly neighborhood urban pranksters at Improve Everywhere will probably have other "missions" planned that will help you cross a few more items from your deranged To-Do list, such as:

#39—Try out for the Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team in a Greenwich Village public fountain.

#158—Dream Job for a Day: Times Square McDonald’s Restaurant Bathroom Attendant

#17—Being flash frozen like a Bird's Eye brussel sprout in the middle of Grand Central Station

#78—Play first Nokia in a symphony of ringing cell phones performing near Union Square Park

So who exactly is this person who can see inside your head and is realizing items on your To-Do list? Improv Everywhere is the brainchild of New York City comedian/actor/writer, Charlie Todd, and you are welcome to play, too.

If the items on your To Do list are a bit less surreal—or even much, much, more so—NYC is a big, big town and your perfect brand of fun to be had and friendly Gothamites to have it with are out there, you just have to know where to look!

LINKS: Noize in da'Hood

The sound of silence is probably the only noise you won't get to hear much of in NYC. But if you're a hunter, renter, or owner of an apartment, condo, or co-op, in a newly constructed or renovated residential building in just about any NYC neighborhood, the following articles can tell you how to find or make a quiet home, and how to keep your noise to yourself.

The Noise Children Make [NYT]
The baby-boom that has hit NYC neighborhoods in recent years, like many other alien influxes, has caused tensions between the newcomers--let's just call them the Stroller Mafia for convenience sake--and the existing population who don't necessarily care for infants mewling in bars.

Getting a Handle on Apartment Noise [NYT]
What parents can do to make their children better neighbors.

A Place to Play the Piano Forte [NYT]
If you make noise for a living and you work from home, this article has tips on finding an apartment where you will be appreciated and not dowsed with molasses, rolled in cornflakes, and left in a Key Foods dumpster, unless of course that's what makes you feel appreciated.

Checking Out the Noise Level [NYT]
A gazillion--yes, gazillion--smart tips are offered here for sussing out the noise situation for almost any apartment, condo, or co-op in any NYC neighborhood.

Laminated Windows Keep Out the Din [NYT]
Just because your new condo overlooks a construction site where even newer condos will soon be, that doesn't mean that at 7:30 every morning you have to invite the entire shouting work crew with their backhoes and jackhammers into your home. Unless you want to.

The Dream of Absolute Quiet [NYT]
Never fear! If the guy featured in this article can find a downtown Manhattan apartment that's quiet enough for him--and a real, live girlfriend willing to live there with him--then believe you me, ANYONE can find one!

WWNYC Neighborhood Smackdown: Red Hook “Meathook” Brooklyn VS. “El Diablo” Hell’s Kitchen

¿Quién es más macho?

Brooklyn’s Red Hook may have been the setting for H.P. Lovecraft’s terrifying short tale, “The Horror at Red Hook,” but don’t expect Manhattan’s Hell’s Kitchen—the setting for “West Side Story”—to go down without menacing finger snaps, a show-stopping dance number and a flurry of jazz hands!

These two NYC neighborhoods are well-matched in terms of their working class roots and vestiges of a bad-ass history that seem to inspire nostalgia in newer residents who seek out this authenticity in a neighborhood, although demand driven condo and co-op prices and merciless credit checks might be prohibitive to any apartment applicant who actually has a working class income or bad-ass history of their own.

For such NYC real estate seekers, Hell’s Kitchen past may trump Red Hook in terms of bad-assed-ness, but Red Hook is a serious contender to the title of Uber-Urban 'Hood of Industrial Chic in that it's about ten years behind Hell’s Kitchen in the relentless march of gentrification, so highly coveted Brooklyn condos, co-ops, apartments, and brownstones can be more easily hunted down here than in virtually any other NYC real estate market.

More specs for Hell's Kitchen's can be found here, but below are the components of the quality of whoop-ass that Red Hook brings to the chain-link octagon for the epic NYC Neighborhood Smackdown that is surely playing out with gratuitous brutality in your real estate addled brain:

RED HOOK

LOCATION
Red Hook is a peninsula in the East River on the southern edge of Downtown Brooklyn, so the only non-nautical border is the Gowanus Expressway and Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel approach that effectively lops this pointy “Southern Brooklyn” appendage.

POPULATION: Approximately 11,000
Hell's Kitchen: Approximately 42,000

AREA: .82 Square Miles
Hell's Kitchen: .91 Square Miles

AVERAGE RESIDENTIAL PROPERTY SALE PRICE (Mar-May '08): $773,750
Average Brooklyn Condo, Co-op, Home: $670,296
Average Hell's Kitchen Condo, Co-op, Home (Dec. '07-Feb. '08): $1,200,000
Average Manhattan Condo, Co-op, Home: $2,286,490

AVERAGE PRICE PER RESIDENTIAL SQUARE FOOT (Mar-May '08): $388
Brooklyn Average: $349
Hell's Kitchen Average: $778
Manhattan Average: $1265

TRANSPORTATION
Yeah, about that… Red Hook is very under-served by public transportation, contributing to the isolated quality of the neighborhood that some residents love but that others find annoying.

SUBWAYS: Ah, the sub-what now?
TRANSPORTATION TIME TO MIDTOWN, PEAK HOURS
B61 Bus to Jay Street/Borough Hall Subway Station: 25 minutes
→ A, C, or F Train to Midtown stops: 20 minutes
B77 Bus to Smith and Ninth Streets Subway Station: 10 minutes
→ F Train to Midtown stops: 25 minutes
Car, via Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel to Lower Manhattan: 15 minutes
Parking, Taking Subway to Midtown stops: 15 minutes
→ Driving to Midtown: depends wildly on traffic.
WATER TAXI: Van Burnt Street (by the Fairway) has direct service to lower Manhattan and is on a route with stops in other parts of Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan.

Hell's Kitchen: With all of the following transportation hubs in walking distance, infinite combinations of subway, bus, train, PATH, or airport shuttle can get you to almost any destination on the planet!
Time Square—42nd St. Subway Station (Grand Central Shuttle, S)
Port Authority Bus Terminal, W40th-W42nd Sts., 8th & 9th Aves.
Pennsylvania ("Penn") Station, W31st-W33rd Sts., 8th & 9th Aves.

PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, PS 15 AND PS 27
45% Read At Or Above Grade Level (2007 State Test Scores)
Hell's Kitchen: 71%

PUBLIC MIDDLE SCHOOL, PS 27
21% Read At Or Above Grade Level (2007 State Test Scores)

EATING AND DRINKING An industrial peninsula of Foodie heaven...
The Good Fork, 391 Van Brunt St. (at Coffey St.), 718-643-6636

Tini Wine Bar and Café, 414 Van Brunt St., 718-855-4206

Defonte’s Sandwich Shop, 379 Columbia St. (at Luquer St.), 718-625-8052

Sixpoint Craft Ales, 40 Van Dyke St. (at Dwight St.)

Hell's Kitchen: Lots of great places, but Restaurant Row (W. 46th bet. 8th, 9th Aves.) is it's own inner circle of Hell for area residents. Someone really ought to take down that sign:

"Tourists! Proudly unfurl your maps of Manhattan in the middle of the sidewalk and be sure to elbow other pedestrians in the face or poke them in the eye when you point without looking! Ask Ask hurrying midtown residents and workers for directions to the Disney Store then get angry and refuse to believe them when, a) they give you directions that you did not expect, or b) they say that they do not know. And please do not forget to use others' reactions to your inconsiderate behavior as proof that all New Yorkers are rude but that you out-smarted them by being rude first!"

SHOPPING
Ikea, 1 Beard St. GRAND OPENING: Monday, June 18 9AM
Still no end to the media Swede-ing frenzy: NYSun, WNYC, NYO, Newsday, NYT
OPENING DAY SWAG ALERT!!!

Edible Schoolyard Project, Red Hook Farmer's Market, 6 Wolcott (at Dwight)
(Teenage Mutant Ninja Organic Farmers!)

Fairway Market, 480-500 Van Brunt St.
(Just like the one on the Upper East Side, but Brooklyn-ier!)

Steve’s Authentic Key Lime Pies, Pier 41, 204 Van Dyke St., 718-858-5333
(Why Al Roker can't keep the weight off...)

FUN
Waterfront Arts Festival

Waterfront Museum and Showboat Barge, Pier 44, 290 Conover St., 718-624-4719

Red Hook Boaters, Louis Valentino Jr. Pier Park, 917-676-6458
Who says there is no free kayaking in NYC?

OF INTEREST
Statue Of Liberty: Red Hook is the only NYC neighborhood that gets a full frontal view of Lady Liberty, as Red Hook happens to be in the sight line of the land that that privilege is reserved for—her nation of origin, France.

Brooklyn Cruise Terminal: In 2006 this revamped industrial pier became the new home to that Grand Dam of floating wedding cakes, the Queen Mary 2.

Feast at the Red Hook Ball Fields: Apparently well worth whatever intestinal risk you might incur. The Department of Health tried to close these unlicensed food vendors and foodies and locals alike went all apoplectic. Their case is still pending.

NEIGHBORHOOD PROFILE: "Someone's in the Kitchen with Satan!"

HELL'S KITCHEN
North of West 34th Street to West 57th Street
West of 8th Avenue to the Hudson River

If your idea of public artwork is chalk outlines of bodies on cracked sidewalks, then you might be disappointed by what you find—or don't find—in the notorious NYC neighborhood of Hell's Kitchen. A seething cauldron of thievery, murder, and sleaze from the Civil War until the 1980s—when Giuliani effectively defanged the Irish and Latino gangs responsible for much of the violence—Hell’s Kitchen’s nom de guerre is so well-earned that many New Yorkers are unaware that the neighborhood’s official name is Clinton, dashing many real estate brokers’ hopes that the less colorful, more marketable moniker will ever stick.

Not that anything will ever stick—or unstick—to Hell’s Kitchen that could aversely affect it’s marketability to a wide range of different apartment hunters.

South of West 49th Street, there are lots of studios, one-bedroom, and two-bedroom apartments in four- and five-floor walk-up tenement buildings and brownstones, and small elevator buildings that appeal to young folks who work in near-by midtown offices or the Theater District and who keep the many neighborhood restaurants, cafes, and bars lively at night.

These low-rise buildings are also home to many third- and fourth-generation blue-collar families who tend to do their inter-neighborhood socializing from their stoops while keeping a watchful eye on their children playing on the sidewalks below. Lack of park space and public schools that perform below the New York State averages for reading and math mean few new families are attracted to Hell’s Kitchen.

North of West 49th Street, newly constructed mid-rise and high-rise residential and mixed-use buildings are sprouting up like glass and steel weeds. These buildings offer studios, one-, two-, and three-bedroom luxury condos and rental apartments that are typically dripping with gooey, sweet amenities. Expensive, oui, but with so much space available, developers and management companies make quick with the throw-ins and other pot-sweeteners.

Well at least the name still sounds bad-ass.

Asian Pacific American Heritage Festival

This year's Asian American Heritage Festival took place in its new location at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza on East 47th and 2nd Avenue in Manhattan, New York. So how did the new location fair compared to the old one at Union Square Park?

The Coalition of Asian Pacific American (CAPA) heralded the new place as a "beautiful oasis" surrounded by "luxury coops." This mostly residential neighborhood is a stark contrast from the hustle and bustle of Union Square where the festival was held in previous years. The tree-lined street of Dag Hammarskjold plaza gave the venue a picturesque feel. Pedestrians found it easier to browse through the information booths without having to rub elbows with the crowded throngs they were used to at Union Square. There was contrast even among the attendees; this year's turnouts consist of those who knew and were interested in participating in the festivity whereas in previous years, the fair was overpacked with passerbys who came and went without immersing themselves into the culture, literature, and services that were offered.

During an intermission, Nina Pineda, a reporter from the Eyewitness News Team, announced that she was selling her apartment in Gramercy Park. Perhaps Gramercy Park would've been another great location for next year's fair.

The Toast of Staten Island!

Chateau d’Ile de Staten Formidable Rouge might have a more palatable ring, but let’s face it, the native Staten Island twang could never do it justice—and/or visa versa. Nevertheless, most New Yorkers would probably hope that the quality of vino produced by the borough’s first—and the city’s only—vineyard would deserve a classier name than one that’s likely to be mistaken for a pee-wee hockey team sponsored by a strip mall Super Cuts: Super Staten Island Reds.

Unless of course it’s meant to be mixed with 7-Up and Gatorade and consumed in traffic islands, then—by all means—they should keep the name, Staten Island Super Red.

Claire Trapasso of the Associated Press reports that the businessmen who conceived of the idea have no intention for Super Red Staten Island to take its place alongside the likes of Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20/20:

They traveled to Crespina, Italy, in November to glean ideas from [established and respected] vineyards.

They consulted with viticulture experts from Cornell University and the University of Pisa to select a blend of grapes that would grow in the Staten Island Botanical Garden.

They settled on cabernet sauvignon, merlot and sangiovese varieties, which they hope to plant in spring 2009.

Now if only they’d travel to Madison Avenue, consult with a focus group, and settle on a better name.

Probably Not the Weirdest Thing Your Neighbors Do, But Still...

Martha Stewart did it in most of her homes, but probably not in prison. Bill Clinton did, too—at home and in his office. Professional photographer, Todd Eberle, who did it for both of them, tells the New York Times:

“We fetishize homes now, in a way that we never used to.”

Apparently that is why some co-op and condo owners are willing to shell out $3500 to $75,000 for exquisite portraits of their homes to display in their homes that are, presumably, less exquisite homes without the portraits—of their homes, in their homes. According to photographer Eric Prine, whose fees start at $4000:

“The client wants to see their home shown in the best way possible, so we enhance every aspect and detail.”

Much as a fashion photographer’s retouching can digitally obliterate cellulite and cold sores, part of these apartment photographers’ artistry is their ability to make steel window gates and bullet holes in walls vanish. As Mr. Eberle puts it:

“The most successful picture is a complete lie.”

Homecoming (-Down), Queens!

Manhattan apartments can be a tough habit to break. Sure, there will always be those individuals who can enjoy it responsibly and walk away when they’ve had enough. Maybe they are lucky and rent stabilized or maybe—as a few conflicted outer borough transplants might prefer to believe—they just haven’t had a jarring enough wake-up call yet.

For Liz Galbo and Partick Haggerty, it wasn’t until their mid-town studio habit had reached $1500. a month that they were ready to admit they had a problem. Ms. Galbo told the New York Times’ Joyce Cohen:

“[Columbus Circle] is so great it doesn’t matter much what your apartment is like. There is so much to do outside. But our luck ended. So that spun us into a little bit of a panic.”

The young couple’s first taste of “cold turkey” came in the form of flavorful wraps from a hip-ish café on Queens Boulevard. According to Ms. Galbo:

“It was the cutest little coffee shop that made me feel I was in Greenwich Village. Any doubt we had, sitting there eating lunch eased our minds.”

In a maneuver that exposed their lingering vulnerability to Manhattan-type trappings, they based their decision to move into a nearby one-bedroom apartment, in large part, on this pleasant lunching experience and were dismayed and terrified to find:

Their street was a busy thoroughfare. Teenagers congregated near their window. Streetlights glared. They [required] earplugs and sleeping masks. The heat and hot water cut out for days.

[Ms. Galbo said] “We didn’t walk down the street at different times of day… Inside, we heard all the chaos outside, and outside there wasn’t much to do.”

Cowering inside their apartment, however, not only spared Ms. Golbo and Mr. Haggerty from congregating teens, but also the expense of the $10 cocktails and dinners out that were integral to their daily Manhattan lifestyle. Mr. Haggerty said:

“A lot of our friends feel like they are struggling and it’s hard to build some momentum, but you really can do it if you stay away from the bars. It’s amazing how quickly you can get yourself to a place where you can build for the future.”

Within six months, their savings had snowballed to $40, 000, enough for a down payment on a beautiful 1,400 square foot, one-bedroom Kew Gardens, Queens co-op. Now Ms. Golbo says of her new, improved life:

“People think [Queens] is a different planet. I think I am in on some secret.”