Stars: Swinging, Spanking, and Pleasingly Pinched

NYC real-estate insiders say that “the incredible amount [Alex Rodriguez] is offering” on a four-bedroom luxury apartment for sale in 15 Central may be waaay high and outside. But with Madonna’s condo only two blocks away, he may be swinging for a homerun. [NYP]

Last week the cast and crew of the CW11’s hit show, Gossip Girl descended upon a home in Prospect Park South to shoot as scene in which Serena and Blair are having a fight—in the Hamptons! Yep, and believe it or not, this Queens home makes a pretty convincing Hampton home, especially when the director was overheard barking, “Spank her again!” [FlatbushVegan]

The ultra-proper River House on West 87th at one time rejected actress Diane Keaton’s application for one of their luxury NYC apartments because her relationship with Woody Allen was considered unseemly. In the visage of Renee Zellweger, however, River House must be as pleased to find a neighbor as pinched as they are puckered, since they have just approved her purchase of a third luxury apartment in the building. [yippi.com]

It’s hard to say if Hollywood partners in Goth, Sweeny Todd’s director Tim Burton and co-star Helena Bonham Carter, decided to sell their two, combinable NYC apartments in 1 Fifth Avenue when they heard Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell’s next novel would be called One Fifth Avenue. But it’s even harder to picture Carter in flouncy pink dresses and Burton being emotionally unavailable. [NYP]

Maybe Rodney Dangerfield "can't get no respect", but his spacious NYC luxury can get no buyer after two price cuts and over 10 months on the market. [NYMag]

If You Lived In New York City, You'd Be Thinner By Now!

Sure, New York City apartments are expensive, but so’s your fuel-ravenous, insurance-sucking, malfunction-prone auto and the hours you waste stuck in traffic finger-miming threats of bustin’ caps and throat-slitting to your fellow commuters. And if you moved to an NYC apartment or condo, believe me, you’d get used to the convenience, safety, reduced expense of living “car-lite” right quick.

You know what else is expensive about not living in a NYC apartment? The membership fees to that gym you don’t go to because you just can’t justify the gas expense and rebuilding the living room wall that firefighters will have to knock down so the forklift can take you to the hospital. And then there’s the forklift driver’s tip, of course. Heck, even an NYC luxury apartment looks like a bargain if this is what living in a state shaded red on the CDC’s obesity map costs in health, dignity, and cash.

The Center for Disease Control [CDC] reports that 66% of all Americans overweight or obese, while only 56% of New Yorkers are. And no, that average wasn’t taken during fashion week when New York City’s population “swells” with models so thin there’s no medical reason why they should be alive. So then what are the magical dietetic properties of living in the Big Apple? New Yorkers walk the walk.

According to Walkscore.com—a website that rates cities, neighborhoods, and even individual street addresses on a scale of 1-100 based on how easily routine destinations can be reached on foot—New York City is the second most “walkable” city in the US after San Francisco (but we’re coming for you, SF!). Without having to rely on cars—indeed, most Gothamites don’t even bother to own one—the car-lite or car-free lifestyle of NYC apartment dwellers is not only healthier and more cost effective, WalkScore also highlights how walking benefits our environment, our social capital, and strengthens local businesses and economy.

Keep in mind though, if you are moving into an NYC apartment for dietetic purposes, not all boroughs’ butts are deflated equally. According to Sam Roberts of the New York Times, Manhattan apartment residents consume the same amount of yummy food as other boroughs' denziens, but with only 42.3% overweight or obese, they sacrifice far fewer square feet of real estate to excess pudge:

“Over all, more than 300,000 New Yorkers get to work on foot. But Manhattanites tend to walk more than people who live and work in the rest of the city. They’re more likely to walk to the bus or subway. Walk up and down stairs to stations. Even walk all the way to work. They’re less obese than New Yorkers in other boroughs, regardless of race or income.”

Also keep in mind, though, that there's a lot of variance within each NYC neighborhood, so if you want to find out how walkable a Brooklyn apartment for rent in a neighborhood you know little about is, just enter the exact address and voila! Not only will you get a Walk Score, you'll get a list of the businesses, services, schools, parks, etc., within walking distance. And you don't even have to get up off the couch to do it.



How Walkable Is Your Neighborhood? [NYT]

RED HOOK UPDATE UPDATE: "To the Boatloads Who Freeload: Sleep with the Swedish Fishes"

It didn't look like Ikea had the Swedish meatballs to do it, but they did.

The blue big box behemoth is officially no longer cool with allowing freeloading Red Hookers to use the free shuttle buses and Water Taxis it sponsors for their customers as their own personal commuter service between their remote Brooklyn neighborhood and downtown Manhattan.

No Ikea handstamp, no Ikea receipt, no Ikea ride...

RED HOOK UPDATE: You CAN get there from here!

The main reason why real estate bargains and lost tribes of headhunters—and possibly dinosaurs, Sasquatches, and giant anacondas—still abound in Red Hook, is that the Brooklyn neighborhood is so under-served by public transportation that its fragile Urban/Industrial Chic ecosystem has been allowed to flourish untouched by the hands of gentrifiers for far longer than almost any other NYC neighborhood.

But then the Swedes landed on that pristine, 19th Century dry docked peninsula with their big box pestilence against which the indigenous Red Hookers had neither the immune systems nor the well-organized community groups to defend against. Exactly one month ago today, a 346,000 square foot Ikea opened it’s doors on their Brooklyn neighborhood’s waterfront.

A major objection to the new Ikea’s location was that the lack of public transportation to Red Hook would cause the narrow, cobblestone streets to be flooded with the private vehicles of Manhattan, Queens, and other Brooklyn-area residents who—unfurling maps, their rear view blocked by walls of corrugated cardboard bearing strange umlauted markings—would crush-under-tire and smog-out the indigenous peoples—and their property values and whatever dinosaurs may still roam free among them—into extinction.

Ikea attempted to assuage many of the traffic concerns by enhancing the Brooklyn neighborhood’s meager public transportation options with free shuttle buses to and from the two near-ish-by subway stations and even the major Court Street/Borough Hall station between Downtown Brooklyn and Brooklyn Heights. Ikea has also sponsored a free, direct Water Taxi route to and from downtown Manhattan and Red Hook.

So did the Swedes succeed? Perhaps a Swede-tad better than they had intended...

It seems that Red Hook residents just love what Ikea has done with their daily commutes! Apparently, on any given free Ikea shuttle or Water Taxi, you are as likely to to be seated next to a hitching Red Hooker as you are someone looking to get their big box shop on. Dorothy Shields, a tenant advocate for Red Hook public housing tells New York Magazine:

“The working people have been making good use of the water taxi and the buses. [...] It’s made it so much easier to get to work.”

For now, Ikea is publicly cool with the freeloading locals:

[Bork, bork, bork!] “We don’t care whether they are or are not coming to the store. If they want to ride to Ikea Brooklyn and go to the Red Hook neighborhood, they’re welcome to do so.”

So how will this unforeseen boost in mass transit accessibility affect property values in Red Hook? Will there be more or less turnover in rental apartments, condos, co-ops, and brownstones? Thor only knows...

But if you find yourself worrying that a generous gesture by a new neighbor is being unfairly taken advantage of, don't be so hasty. By now, there is no excuse for underestimating the ever-adaptive, ever-opportunistic nature of the intrepid New Yorker.

The Secret-hood of the Traveling Pants-less

If you’re a New Yorker, you've probably already penciled-in "ride the subway pants-less during rush hour" on your To Do list—somewhere between impersonating a Best Buy employee in slow motion and actually obeying the voice in your head—ever since you finally moved into your perfect downtown apartment and your best thinking can be accomplished without the constant interruption of calls from your genius real estate broker.

Don’t forget, New York City is a big, big town, so if you’re having these thoughts, chances are you’re not alone. And—especially if you are new to NYC—what better way to meet your like-minded Gothamites than by employing a no pants buddy system as you zip un-zipped from Manhattan to Brooklyn with only your skivvies on?

But if sitting on a Queens-bound subway with nothing but your undies between you and, well, maybe the spot where a bottom with even less coverage than yours just sat isn't your thing, then your friendly neighborhood urban pranksters at Improve Everywhere will probably have other "missions" planned that will help you cross a few more items from your deranged To-Do list, such as:

#39—Try out for the Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team in a Greenwich Village public fountain.

#158—Dream Job for a Day: Times Square McDonald’s Restaurant Bathroom Attendant

#17—Being flash frozen like a Bird's Eye brussel sprout in the middle of Grand Central Station

#78—Play first Nokia in a symphony of ringing cell phones performing near Union Square Park

So who exactly is this person who can see inside your head and is realizing items on your To-Do list? Improv Everywhere is the brainchild of New York City comedian/actor/writer, Charlie Todd, and you are welcome to play, too.

If the items on your To Do list are a bit less surreal—or even much, much, more so—NYC is a big, big town and your perfect brand of fun to be had and friendly Gothamites to have it with are out there, you just have to know where to look!

LINKS: Noize in da'Hood

The sound of silence is probably the only noise you won't get to hear much of in NYC. But if you're a hunter, renter, or owner of an apartment, condo, or co-op, in a newly constructed or renovated residential building in just about any NYC neighborhood, the following articles can tell you how to find or make a quiet home, and how to keep your noise to yourself.

The Noise Children Make [NYT]
The baby-boom that has hit NYC neighborhoods in recent years, like many other alien influxes, has caused tensions between the newcomers--let's just call them the Stroller Mafia for convenience sake--and the existing population who don't necessarily care for infants mewling in bars.

Getting a Handle on Apartment Noise [NYT]
What parents can do to make their children better neighbors.

A Place to Play the Piano Forte [NYT]
If you make noise for a living and you work from home, this article has tips on finding an apartment where you will be appreciated and not dowsed with molasses, rolled in cornflakes, and left in a Key Foods dumpster, unless of course that's what makes you feel appreciated.

Checking Out the Noise Level [NYT]
A gazillion--yes, gazillion--smart tips are offered here for sussing out the noise situation for almost any apartment, condo, or co-op in any NYC neighborhood.

Laminated Windows Keep Out the Din [NYT]
Just because your new condo overlooks a construction site where even newer condos will soon be, that doesn't mean that at 7:30 every morning you have to invite the entire shouting work crew with their backhoes and jackhammers into your home. Unless you want to.

The Dream of Absolute Quiet [NYT]
Never fear! If the guy featured in this article can find a downtown Manhattan apartment that's quiet enough for him--and a real, live girlfriend willing to live there with him--then believe you me, ANYONE can find one!

COMING SOON TO A 'HOOD NEAR YOU: Your Very Own Freedom Tower!

[NYP]
Someone working on the WTC site dumped sensitive blueprints into a public trash can where they were later found by a homeless man. Who knows how many developers got a glimpse before they were returned to the proper authorities? Just don't be surprised when mid- and high-rise Freedom Tower-lets begin sprouting up as NYU student housing, waterfront Brooklyn condos, and ambitious configurations of cardboard boxes.

Does This Borough Make My Butt Look Big?

Nope, but that butt may make your borough look small—oh, snap! No, seriously...

According to the New York Times, in keeping with bulking trends of the rest of the nation, New Yorkers packed on 10 million pounds between 2002 and 2004. But in a city that paces out some of the most expensive space on the planet in square feet, that means that widening citizens are consuming precious NYC real estate as recklessly as they are apparently consuming complex carbohydrates and contraband transfat.

Not convinced your Brooklyn apartment is fitting a bit more snugly these days? Sam Roberts of the Times, advises:

Think of it this way: 10 million more pounds is the equivalent of adding 20 full-sized replicas of the Statue of Liberty.

So four years since 2004, some New Yorkers may well be sharing their Queens condos, Brooklyn brownstones, Bronx coops, and Staten Island split-levels with their share of 40 more Lady Liberties worth of pudge. But New Yorkers in Manhattan apartments have had to part with far fewer square feet.

Over all, more than 300,000 New Yorkers get to work on foot. But Manhattanites tend to walk more than people who live and work in the rest of the city. They’re more likely to walk to the bus or subway. Walk up and down stairs to stations. Even walk all the way to work.

Here's how the boroughs tip the scales based on percentages of overweight denizens: Manhattan, 42.3%; Queens, 57.6%; Staten Island, 57.7%; Brooklyn, 58.6; and the Bronx, 62.7%.

Cheer up plumper borough dwellers! According to another Times article, you can shave 4 years off your looks if you stand next to a suburbanite:

[R]esearchers concluded that suburbanites were more likely to report chronic health problems, like high blood pressure, arthritis, headaches, migraines and breathing problems than people who lived in the city… [T]heir findings suggested that sprawl ages a community by four years.

COMING SOON TO A 'HOOD NEAR YOU: Scary Smart Kids!

[edWKT] This article features a map that shows that the concentration of NYC public school children classified as Gifted & Talented varies hugely between school districts and boroughs and predictably correlates with local NYC real estate values. To avoid their glassy, will-paralyzing stares, you can find refuge to in the green-colored neighborhoods on the map, but it's only a matter of time and increasing school funding before they find you!

I Dream of Ingenie

The NYC real estate community was all a’flutter earlier this week when the Real Estate Board of New York (REBNY) announced the 2007 winners of the Most Ingenious Deal of the Year Awards, affectionately known to industry insiders and fans alike as the "Ingenies."

Giddy masses lined the red carpet outside the 101 Club desperately hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite New York City real estate agents—perhaps a spouse, daughter, brother, or Mom—as they made their way inside the chicken-or-fish gala. And, of course the press—Tom Acitelli of the New York Observer—swarmed.

Thirty-nine New York City brokers of the 21 most breathtaking deals struck in 2007 were nominated for Ingenies, but only one can take home the honor of first place. And the Ingenie goes to…

Mary Ann Tighe and Gregory Tosko of CB Richard Ellis for their gritty, raw, but unflinchingly honest deal Adding Color to Grey: The Winding Road to Grey Group’s 370,000-Square-Foot Anchor Lease at 200 Fifth Avenue. Executed with graphic, hand-held realism, Tighe and Tosks’ stunning achievement will allow the advertising firm, Grey Group, to complete its epic NYC relocation to the Toy Center building after its natural, 3rd Avenue habitat was re-zoned residential.

In deference to the brave American men and women battling the subprime crisis that has yet to deliver more than a glancing blow to the NYC real estate market, celebrants partied especially hearty.

A Real Estate Tipster for Hipsters

For the first time in decades, this year’s must-have accessory for the most deeply committed avant-garde may not be creative angst or even the highly coveted—but more often affected than genuine—vainglorious self-loathing of true artistic genius (I don’t mean you, of course). Nope, this year’s earlobe flesh tunnels might just be Brooklyn condos or Queens coops.

Now, the NYC real estate market might sound perfectly suited to members of a subculture who routinely pierce their most tender flesh with sharp metal objects, but that natural affinity has yet to be embraced, Eve Levine tells The Brooklyn Paper, by hipsters who pride them selves on being “the opposite of Wall Street.”

As a NYC real estate broker, Ms. Levine is fluent in the un-hip “realities” of such things as the housing market and repairing bad credit. But as an artist and musician, Ms. Levine also has the hipster street cred to effectively communicate her knowledge to the type of people who believe that “hipster street cred” actually exists because it's so ironic it's not, but so un-ironic it is.

Ms. Levine recently founded an informational series that meets in trendy bars called “Hipster Mortgage Night.” Her goal is to bring the good news of equity building, home ownership to the righteously inked tribes of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and anywhere else they may be found, paying rent with tip money.

For some “Hipster Mortgage Night” attendees, however, the news isn’t always good. For one couple who envisioned their first purchase would be an entire house, the reality check was as painfully brutal as it was painfully necessary:

“Now we know a one-bedroom is best […] It was a really informative experience, but it kind of crushed my dreams.”

Don't worry, they'll get there. So will you.

Click here for or more information about upcoming "Hipster Mortgage Nights."

The Toast of Staten Island!

Chateau d’Ile de Staten Formidable Rouge might have a more palatable ring, but let’s face it, the native Staten Island twang could never do it justice—and/or visa versa. Nevertheless, most New Yorkers would probably hope that the quality of vino produced by the borough’s first—and the city’s only—vineyard would deserve a classier name than one that’s likely to be mistaken for a pee-wee hockey team sponsored by a strip mall Super Cuts: Super Staten Island Reds.

Unless of course it’s meant to be mixed with 7-Up and Gatorade and consumed in traffic islands, then—by all means—they should keep the name, Staten Island Super Red.

Claire Trapasso of the Associated Press reports that the businessmen who conceived of the idea have no intention for Super Red Staten Island to take its place alongside the likes of Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20/20:

They traveled to Crespina, Italy, in November to glean ideas from [established and respected] vineyards.

They consulted with viticulture experts from Cornell University and the University of Pisa to select a blend of grapes that would grow in the Staten Island Botanical Garden.

They settled on cabernet sauvignon, merlot and sangiovese varieties, which they hope to plant in spring 2009.

Now if only they’d travel to Madison Avenue, consult with a focus group, and settle on a better name.

Probably Not the Weirdest Thing Your Neighbors Do, But Still...

Martha Stewart did it in most of her homes, but probably not in prison. Bill Clinton did, too—at home and in his office. Professional photographer, Todd Eberle, who did it for both of them, tells the New York Times:

“We fetishize homes now, in a way that we never used to.”

Apparently that is why some co-op and condo owners are willing to shell out $3500 to $75,000 for exquisite portraits of their homes to display in their homes that are, presumably, less exquisite homes without the portraits—of their homes, in their homes. According to photographer Eric Prine, whose fees start at $4000:

“The client wants to see their home shown in the best way possible, so we enhance every aspect and detail.”

Much as a fashion photographer’s retouching can digitally obliterate cellulite and cold sores, part of these apartment photographers’ artistry is their ability to make steel window gates and bullet holes in walls vanish. As Mr. Eberle puts it:

“The most successful picture is a complete lie.”